Three things you can do while you wait for your commune to exist

If you are a parent, it is likely that at some point you have looked around your home with barely another adult in sight and wondered something along the lines of “So apparently it takes a village to raise a child, but where is mine?” or “Why don’t we all just buy a big block of land and raise our children together?”

But for all the craving for a commune, I don’t know of any parents, in my real life or on my Instagram, who has actually created a living situation other than the default nuclear situation. One time I heard some hard truths on a podcast in regards to the millennial desire to live in a commune: “We do not have those skills!” As in, we do not have the skills to live in intentional community.

It’s kind of a bummer on the fantasy, but it rings true for many of us. Friendships are formed on a basis of mutual enjoyment of each other’s company, which is great, but when we need actual help so many of us struggle to show up for each other and receive support.

This is a massive topic and today’s blog post will just scratch the surface, giving you some things to think about and ways forward for you to start building community with the people you are already friends with.

Shift from socialising to doing life together

For many of us, friendship has always taken the form of meeting for coffee or drinks etc for the sole purpose of social connection. But when you or your friends become parents, scheduling time out of the house is vanishingly rare – especially childfree time. The risk of this approach is that if escaping the vortex of work obligations and home life is your only way to see your friends, you might see your very dearest friends only once a month, if that.

A great step towards spending more time together is to shift to hanging out at home so that finding babysitting isn't a barrier. Another step is to shift the focus from socialising being a set-apart activity, to bringing social connection into things you need to get done anyway.

For example, instead of doing a panicked tidy of the house before a playdate, shoving the laundry basket in a bedroom behind a closed door, what about tidying and folding the clothes while you chat and drink tea with your friend? (this is a form of bodydoubling and is particularly helpful for many neurodivergent folks). I personally love doing laundry and with friends I have built this level of intimacy with, when I am at their house for a long time and get a bit socially overwhelmed I sneak off to hang out a load of washing or bring one in and fold it (with consent).

I have often invited a childfree friend over for dinner on a night when my partner is working. They enjoy a homecooked meal that I was going to make anyway, they support with the bedtime routine, and then we get half an hour of chats after my kid falls asleep before we also turn into pumpkins.

Or the life-activity could be exercising. For example, going for a walk with a friend with on a regular basis can be a nourishing social activity. If you are trying to move your body more you have a higher chance of doing it if someone is waiting for you to turn up.

Of course, going out and about for pure socialising is still important and fun. I am not suggesting you should always be doing housework or childcare or exercise while hanging out with friends. But if going out is the cherry on top (rather than your only point of connection), the plain fact is that you are going to have more time to spend with friends.

Embracing conflict

Many people have no trouble confronting their romantic partner or a family member if they are being objectionable, but when it comes to trouble with a friend they will avoid it at all costs. To extreme levels, this 'cost' can include the friendship itself.

Being able to raise (and hopefully resolve) a tricky subject can be better for the long-term health of the friendship – especially if the alternative is either simmering resentment that eventually explodes or airing your grievances to everyone else so they end up hearing it second-hand.

Overlapping care

Another challenge is learning to ask for help, and giving/receiving support. If your friend cancels a playdate because of sickness, do you have the capacity to double the batch of the next meal you make and drop a portion at their doorstop?

If someone offers you help or support, do you instinctively say no, or are you able to say yes if the support offered is what you want and need? Accepting help can feel vulnerable, but it is also a thread of human connection that strengthens a relationship.

This image – of threads of human connection between people – is a more nourishing metaphor than how giving and receiving support is often seen, which is as a balance sheet that you are trying to keep even, making sure you are always giving and receiving an equal amount so that you are not being taken advantage of or incurring a debt.

Reflection questions

At the end of every blog post I include reflection questions for you to contemplate, journal, or discuss with someone you trust.

1. What part of this blog post stood out to you or challenged you? How can you apply this to your life?
2. Do you have any friends who you could build greater intimacy with in one of the three ways described in this piece? (As in: 1. do life together 2. have a tricky conversation 3. give and receive support)
   Could you share this piece with them to kickstart a discussion?
3. Can you take one step this week (the smaller the better) towards the kind of connected life you dream of?

If you want to be accountable to taking one of these steps, feel free to reply to this email and let me know what you are intending to do and I can follow up to ask how you went.

My services

Something that is really helpful when you are trying to build community as well as develop friendships is investing in local and hyperlocal relationships. My six-week program, Queer Parents Circle, is a way to connect with likeminded local parents in an inclusive space. This will be running next in February/March. If you are interested, reply to this email to register your interest or ask questions.

My drop-in service will not be running tomorrow (21 Nov) but I will be back the week after and for the rest of the school term this year.

If you are interested in joining a fortnightly bereaved parents' circle I am hoping to start running, please reply to this email.