Three Myths About Money and Parenthood
When it comes to the transition to parenthood, gendered assumptions around earning money and caregiving can sneak up on everyone, even progressive and feminist people.
The usual division of labour in two-parent Australian families in which one parent is a primary earner and the other is a primary caregiver can easily lead to exploitation of the caregiving parent and disrespect of their unpaid labour – even in healthy and loving relationships with no abuse dynamic (1). Queer families are not immune to these dynamics.
Here I will explore three common myths about money and parenthood, and the reality behind each myth.
I recommend sharing this article with your partner/s or co-parent/s if you have them, and using the reflection questions at the end to start a conversation about how these myths might be showing up in your family. (Only if you feel safe to do so. If not, you could discuss the article and reflection questions with a caring person in your life).
In this article I refer to primary caregivers and primary earners. This does not just apply to a situation of one income earner plus a stay-at-home parent, but to any family where the earning/caregiving is split unevenly (according to my understanding, this is most families). It also includes families where the parents are not together. There is nothing inherently wrong with uneven splits of earning/caregiving; the problem is devaluing of caregiving and exploitation of caregivers.
Myth #1: Income earned by the primary earner is “their” money.
On the surface, it is intuitively obvious that if someone goes to work, the resulting income is theirs alone. But in the case of a working parent relying on the other parent to provide childcare, it is not actually true.
Reality: Any money earned by any parent of children who need care is earned through their labour PLUS the labour of caregiving.
If the caregiving parent’s labour wasn’t available, the earning parent would have to either pay for it, find someone else to do it unpaid, or do it themselves.
This is true in a broader sense as well as one-to-one hours spent working for pay or caregiving for free. When the primary caregiving parent takes on more flexible, lower-hours work to create capacity for the primary earning parent to progress in their career, those promotions are being earned by the primary caregiving parent as well as the parent actually doing the job.
The fact behind this myth is true even if the parents are not together. To use an extreme example: this is true even if the earning parent is estranged from their child/ren. They are still only able to earn because the other parent is taking on the caregiving responsibilities.
Myth #2: Primary caregivers must out-earn childcare expenses in order to justify working.
The following is a common sentiment: “There is no point in going back to work since I would pay more in childcare than I earn in my job.”
People who would never say “A woman’s place is in the home” (2) would say the above statement, word for word. But the sentiment behind both sayings is the same: primary caregiving parents have a responsibility to provide constant unpaid childcare, and this responsibility can only be escaped through out-earning childcare expenses.
Of course on one level this is basic maths. Even in the case of combined finances, a family is going to be better off financially with unpaid labour + zero earnings from the primary caregiver, rather than childcare expenses + earnings that are less than childcare expenses. However, the simplicity of the maths hides the fact that childcare expenses are just one factor in the equation. Other financial impacts of working can include: contributing to superannuation, chipping away at uni debt, progressing in a career, and qualifying for Centrelink benefits (eg paid parental leave, childcare subsidy) before having a subsequent child.
However, primary caregiving parents should not have to justify working when childcare expenses are higher than their income. Because:
Reality: Childcare expenses make it possible for BOTH parents to work. Therefore the childcare expenses come out of their combined income, whether or not their income is actually combined (3)
Myth #3: Primary caregiver parents must work during paid childcare to justify the expense
Similarly to myth #2, this myth rests on the assumption that all of a primary caregiving parent’s time belongs to unpaid caregiving. According to this assumption, the only way to justify a paid break from this is to earn money during the time childcare is paid for.
Reality: A caregiving parent is entitled to childfree time, and sometimes the way to get this is through paying for childcare.
Here are some things a primary caregiving parent might want or need to do during childfree time:
- Errands/chores
- Health and beauty appointments
- Creative endeavours
- Socialising
- Engaging in a hobby
- Participating in activism
- Study
- Clothes shopping
- Meditating
- Staring at the wall with no demands being made of them
Primary caregiving parents often enlist free childcare services (the other parent/s, grandparents, other friends/family) for childfree time when they are not earning. But parents who don’t have access to free childcare are just as much in need of childfree time. And there is nothing wrong with paying for it.
Some forms of paid childcare that primary caregiving parents could use for non-earning activities:
- Daycare
- Before/after-school care (for school-aged children)
- Regular nanny
- Irregular babysitter
Sometimes a parent doesn’t even need fully childfree time – what is needed is another responsible adult or teenager (4) around the house to help out. They could help with bedtime, keep the children entertained while the parent is busy/resting elsewhere in the house, or care for older children while the parent cares for a baby or multiple babies. If the parent doesn’t have anyone in their life to do this for free, it’s totally fine to pay for that service.
Of course, we are living in a cost of living crisis and many parents do not have access to spare cash for childcare. Managing money often comes down to maths. But it is also a matter of priorities, and sometimes it is possible to shuffle things around to prioritise paid childfree time.
Reflection Questions
- Did you find any parts of this article challenging? If so, what were they?
- Did you find any parts of this article inspiring? If so, what were they?
- Did this article bring up any strong emotions for you? If so, what were they?
- What is one part of this article that you are going to reflect on in the coming week?
- Is there any part of this article that you would like to put aside for more discussion at a future time? Can you schedule that time now?
My Services
Free postpartum support drop-in service
If you are experiencing any challenges related to parenting and/or postpartum, feel free to come to my free postpartum support drop-in service. I am available every Thursday during school term to listen deeply, explore options and share resources. I am also available during this time to further discuss anything I write about in this blog and help you as it relates to your life. Thursdays 11:30am-12pm Yarraville Library. (This service will not run this week but it will be back on next week).
Queer Parents' Circle
I am open to expressions of interest for Queer Parents' Circle. This is a six-session weekly program in which local like-minded parents and parents-to-be can connect through discussing relevant topics in an inclusive space.
If this sounds interesting to you please email me emmelinetylerpostpartum at gmail dot com.
Footnotes
- If you would like to read more about economic abuse, you can find more information at the following link: https://1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/financial-abuse (this link includes a quick exit button).
- This is a gendered saying but is relevant to all families, not just heteronormative families.
- Even splitting childcare expenses 50/50 is not necessarily equitable if the lower-earning parent is providing free childcare on days when the primary earning parent is working.
- This kind of babysitting is great for younger teenagers who might not be capable of looking after the children unsupervised.
