Book review: Low Demand Parenting, by Amanda Diekman

5/5 stars, highly recommend.

If you want to read just one parenting book, I would recommend you read this one.

It is especially helpful if you have a child or children who are suspected/diagnosed neurodivergent, especially if they have a PDA profile (pathological demand avoidance/persistent desire for autonomy), "highly sensitive", "explosive" etc.

(PDA is a way some people experience the world in which 'demands' are perceived as threats and activate their nervous system. A demand can be being asked to do something, being expected to do something, but many things can be demands that someone who doesn't have this profile wouldn't think of, like receiving a compliment or being looked at. For more resources on PDA, Kristy Forbes is a neuroaffirming, lived-experience wealth of knowledge.)

But from a child liberation perspective – in a world where children have to spend all day every day meeting adult expectations, all children could benefit from an approach at home in which connection and meeting everyone's needs is the focus of life.

At just 131 pages (155 including the resources section), the book itself does not impose a massive demand on people interested in reading it. (It is also available in audiobook - 4 hours 34 minutes).

The flow of the book is as follows: Diekman tells her own family backstory which was very intense with three children under four years of age, two of whom are neurodivergent but at the time she didn't realise that. What she was imagining family life to have been like was so different to the reality and she was deeply struggling. She goes on to explain what demands are, then how to get started with low demand parenting. She explains her framework that under demands are expectations, and under expectations are needs. The approach is to find creative solution to meet the needs of everyone in the family, rather than trying to meet adult needs by insisting on demands that the child is not capable of fulfilling.

She dedicates two whole chapters of a very short book just to screentime, which is a bold but helpful choice – screentime is a topic that is very activating for parents, and what better way to challenge assumptions than going straight into the belly of the beast?

Next she writes about how to approach what she calls low-demand co-parenting, by which she means dropping demands you have of your partner. In this way the book is distinct from most parenting books/content, which don't address the pervasive dynamic that parents are rarely on the same page when it comes to parenting, particularly if one parent is consuming and being exposed to a lot of parenting content and the other parent is not (this is a very gendered dynamic) (1).

What I found quite revolutionary at this point of the book is that it focusses in on how you, the parent reading the book, can get your needs met WITHOUT making demands of your partner or child/ren. This could seem like giving up, but on the other hand it could be seen as empowering, because you don't have to wait for someone else's behaviour to change (which might not happen if they are not capable of doing what you are asking) before getting your needs met.

I think this last section of the book was what made it such a stand-out book for me. So much gentle parenting content guilts parents (often mums) by giving them the neuroscience of co-regulation without reference to their own needs and humanity, aside from maybe a small reference to "filling your cup" – leaving parents feeling like they are expected to be constant co-regulation machines along with everything else they have to do in life, and this is just another area in which they are failing.w

Another element of the book I enjoyed was how Diekman explained concepts and gave examples (and resources at the end) but didn't load parents up with a super structured didactic approach (2). She appreciates that every family is different and so how you enact this approach will look different for you.

Anyway...

I haven't got a journal/discussion prompt for you because I am writing this at the last minute and I am dropping a demand for myself ;)

If you are interested in reading the book check out places you can find where to borrow it on this trove link. The audiobook can be bought on itunes and also that evil audiobook subscription service that tricks you into making it really hard to unsubscribe.

If you are not a reader but you want to learn more from Amanda Diekman, she has a podcast (The Low Demand Parenting Podcast) – full disclosure I haven't listened to it so can't vouch for it – and an instagram page (@lowdemandamanda).

My services

Drop-in service: In just a few hours I will be at my weekly drop-in service at Yarraville Library – 11:30am-12pm. In this service I can help you articulate your challenges and explore solutions, and I can refer you to external services if needed, and email you helpful resources afterwards.

Queer Parents' Circle: In February/March I will be running a six-session weekly Circle for parents who identify as queer or as allies. This will be a great chance to connect with local like-minded parents in an inclusive space through discussing topics relevant to the perinatal period and early parenting. (Appropriate for pre-conception up to 7 years postpartum). To register your interest, please reply to this email or email me at emmelinetylerpostpartum at gmail dot com.

(1) Sidebar: something I have noticed anecdotally is the parenting mental load of social media. To use a heteronormative example, as soon as a woman gets pregnant, or even before, her social media becomes all about babies and pregnancy. Some of it is algorithm-driven and some of it is self-curated as she is trying to learn and seek support. But the dad-to-be's social media is just the same as it has always been. It gets to a point years down the line where sitting down to scroll looks the same from the outside, but the mum is being bombarded with parenting and housekeeping suggestions and the dad is being amused by watching people accidentally hurt themselves. (Now that I think about it, the dynamic is not too different to traditional women's/men's magazines).

(2) Her work is heavily influenced by Ross Greene's work (The Explosive Child is his main book) and the social media-based support groups that spring from his approach. I like Ross Greene's work but always found it too structured and overwhelming to use 'properly'.